You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
