Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
