1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
