I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
The air was thick with penises
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
