I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
