so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
what day is it and did you see me today?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
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