I saw his package. It spoke to me.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
