so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Randomize
