He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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