Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
