$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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