Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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