If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
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