You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
