i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize