My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
