and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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