just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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