I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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