i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
