My room smells like vodka and shame
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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