don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
