You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize