I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
porn star boner night. come get it.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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