the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
