i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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