Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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