so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
