The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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