carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
