tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
