You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
