I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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