I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Randomize
