hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize