i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
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