your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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