so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
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