I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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