I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Randomize
