i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
