i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
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