If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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