He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I need a beard to bite.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
