I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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