I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
