My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
