do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
