she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
