Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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