dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
