it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Randomize
