Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
So much rum. So many feels.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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