you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
