Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
