around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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