My sheets look like a crime scene.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
