so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
