does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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