You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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