I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
