He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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